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21 April 2008 @ 01:11 am
Wow I haven't come on to my own journal since my kitty died and those pictures made me cry. I miss him.

I need to make a change. A life change. I am not happy with myself - my weight, my job, my life in general. But how does one go about making a change? There are some things that I don't want to give up, but I feel that if I make a change, I have to give up those things. How do people get strong enough to make major life changes? I dont think I'm strong enough. I need to do something though... my life can't continue as it is. I am lonely - I have no friends in my area, no one to hang out with or be a regular 26 year old with. All of my high school friends just about are married or about to be married and I want that so bad. Realistically though, I can't just sit at my computer all the time and expect that people will come to me - I have to go to them. I know this but still I do nothing about it. I don't know WHAT to do about it, but I don't even try. I can't expect my life to change if I don't do something about it, right? I can't remember the last time I have stepped into a grocery store or WalMart... that's sad isn't it? I'm a very shy person so going up to someone in a coffee shop or something is totally not something I can do. To get over shyness, you need confidence and I am very lacking in that department. I've tried visiting churches but there are no people my age and when there are, the group is already such a clique that it's hard to break in and I always felt like an outsider. I hate that feeling and it made me dread going. I just don't know what to do. The job situation is not getting any better - worse, if that's possible. I have gotten to the point where I've learned all I can learn, I have moved up as far as I'm gonna go - so what is the point of being there anymore? I don't want to be making less than $30k for my entire life... I'm better than that. Funny how I have confidence about that but not other things. I am a good employee - I go the extra mile and I work hard, especially when it's something I believe in. I really do believe that I am helping change people's lives and hopefully changing them for the better - that is what I love about my job. I love that after a counseling session, someone that I've been able to help, will stand up with tears in their eyes and give me a hug and tell me that they feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. It makes me feel so good that I can be that person for someone. I want to keep doing that - just not where I am. Office politics is making it hard to focus on the good aspects of my job and instead is making me hate the job that I do... I want a job that I look forward to going to everyday - a job that I don't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next bomb to drop. In my area though, there are no jobs other than receptionist, etc and I don't want to take just any job. I did that with this one and I'm living to regret it. I want to find a job that I can love and that I can be happy at for the next 30 odd years. I want a career. I feel like I have a job, but not a career. But how does one get a career? I could go back to school and get my Masters in School Counseling - that would be a career.. but my grades are shit and I couldn't get in to a reputable Master's level program. Plus the schools that offer that are so far away commuting is out of the question. And without a job there, I wouldn't be able to relocate. I don't want to be a regular teacher - I don't think I'd be good at that. I don't know what I want to do - I just know it's not what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm at the same crossroads I was when I graduated college - I wanted a boyfriend/husband, a job I love, and a future to look forward to. My current future is looking pretty bleak - staying in a job I hate, boyfriend/husband-less, and watching my friends and family pair up and live the life I want. When do I get to be happy? Why is it so easy for other people, but I feel like I have to scratch tooth and nail to be happy? It's not fair. I've already had so many disappointments, so much hurt in my life - when can that end? When is it my turn to be happy and to love myself?

Current Mood moody
Current Music Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade
laurasue on April 21st, 2008 08:05 am (UTC)
You're right on a lot of levels - I think you do need change, and no one can do that for you. At some point you will have to decide to start taking steps for yourself, regardless of any circumstance.

If you'd hear my advice, I honestly think you should look into seeing a shrink. I know your immediate reflex is to say you can't because of your parents, but that mentality will keep you exactly where you're at. They wouldn't even have to know if you don't want them to. If you don't get your own insurance through work, use your savings to pay for it. Believe it or not, when you were in college and seeing someone there, you were better than you are now. I know your environment isn't helping things at all, but I think that step would be the best start. He or she could help you set and reach goals, as well as confidence and motivation. If you could go see someone, I'd recommend printing out this entry and showing it to them. It's not something that would require any medication if you didn't want to try that road again - this is something I think you need to talk out every week and work on. I know you're scared of what your parents would think but honey, you can't live this way forever. Unfortunately you're in a situation where no one can get you out of it but you - even though people like me would support you the entire time.

We can talk about this if you want to. I know you won't like the idea, but please think about it.