I need to make a change. A life change. I am not happy with myself - my weight, my job, my life in general. But how does one go about making a change? There are some things that I don't want to give up, but I feel that if I make a change, I have to give up those things. How do people get strong enough to make major life changes? I dont think I'm strong enough. I need to do something though... my life can't continue as it is. I am lonely - I have no friends in my area, no one to hang out with or be a regular 26 year old with. All of my high school friends just about are married or about to be married and I want that so bad. Realistically though, I can't just sit at my computer all the time and expect that people will come to me - I have to go to them. I know this but still I do nothing about it. I don't know WHAT to do about it, but I don't even try. I can't expect my life to change if I don't do something about it, right? I can't remember the last time I have stepped into a grocery store or WalMart... that's sad isn't it? I'm a very shy person so going up to someone in a coffee shop or something is totally not something I can do. To get over shyness, you need confidence and I am very lacking in that department. I've tried visiting churches but there are no people my age and when there are, the group is already such a clique that it's hard to break in and I always felt like an outsider. I hate that feeling and it made me dread going. I just don't know what to do. The job situation is not getting any better - worse, if that's possible. I have gotten to the point where I've learned all I can learn, I have moved up as far as I'm gonna go - so what is the point of being there anymore? I don't want to be making less than $30k for my entire life... I'm better than that. Funny how I have confidence about that but not other things. I am a good employee - I go the extra mile and I work hard, especially when it's something I believe in. I really do believe that I am helping change people's lives and hopefully changing them for the better - that is what I love about my job. I love that after a counseling session, someone that I've been able to help, will stand up with tears in their eyes and give me a hug and tell me that they feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. It makes me feel so good that I can be that person for someone. I want to keep doing that - just not where I am. Office politics is making it hard to focus on the good aspects of my job and instead is making me hate the job that I do... I want a job that I look forward to going to everyday - a job that I don't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next bomb to drop. In my area though, there are no jobs other than receptionist, etc and I don't want to take just any job. I did that with this one and I'm living to regret it. I want to find a job that I can love and that I can be happy at for the next 30 odd years. I want a career. I feel like I have a job, but not a career. But how does one get a career? I could go back to school and get my Masters in School Counseling - that would be a career.. but my grades are shit and I couldn't get in to a reputable Master's level program. Plus the schools that offer that are so far away commuting is out of the question. And without a job there, I wouldn't be able to relocate. I don't want to be a regular teacher - I don't think I'd be good at that. I don't know what I want to do - I just know it's not what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm at the same crossroads I was when I graduated college - I wanted a boyfriend/husband, a job I love, and a future to look forward to. My current future is looking pretty bleak - staying in a job I hate, boyfriend/husband-less, and watching my friends and family pair up and live the life I want. When do I get to be happy? Why is it so easy for other people, but I feel like I have to scratch tooth and nail to be happy? It's not fair. I've already had so many disappointments, so much hurt in my life - when can that end? When is it my turn to be happy and to love myself?
Current Mood moody
Current Music Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade