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16 August 2009 @ 10:49 am
We had a fabulous day yesterday with mom and dad's 40th wedding anniversary celebration. They renewed their vows in the church where they got married. We even had the preacher from their wedding do part of the ceremony. It was really special and wonderful. We had a lot of family  here and it was so much fun.

25 June 2009 @ 09:19 pm
wow, Michael Jackson is dead.

...no words. absolutely no words.

12 April 2009 @ 09:44 pm
So, I went to see David Cook this past Wednesday. He actually came to Macon...shocking, huh? We're turning into a regular Southern Hollywood down here - In the last year, we've had Oprah, David Cook and currently have like 3 movies being shot around here. It's super cool.

But back to David...amazing. Simply amazingly wonderful. My friend Johnna went with me and we had such a great time. He added another date in GA - Athens to be exact...I dunno if I'll be able to go since it's on a Monday, but I'm gonna try my hardest. I really enjoyed Ryan Star, who was the opener... he was definitely good. His CD drops this summer, so I'll definitely be getting that.

I'm getting new furniture! I'm getting a new bed and dressers - all from West Elm. I'm so excited. It's getting delivered on Friday. I'm supposed to be cleaning my room right now, but as you can see, Procrastination is my bitch.

But yes - David Cook!!!

Current Mood giddy
Current Music San Jose by Joe Purdy
29 December 2008 @ 08:06 pm
it's been a while
Yes, it's been a while since I've updated - oh well. I've come to announce something I'm extremely excited about - a new RP game that I'm joining - http://asylums.insanejournal.com/oblivionrp/profile If anyone is interested, please visit and enjoy!

Current Mood excited
Current Music Umbrella - Mandy Moore
09 November 2008 @ 04:14 am
music meme
stolen from LS

+ instructions +
pick ten songs on your computer that you bet none of your friends have heard. post. tell people why they should listen. tag. get new music you never would have heard otherwise.

1) David Gray :: This Year's Love
I love, love, love the melody in the chorus of this song...it's gorgeous.

2) Ludo :: Save Our City
Recently introduced to me by LauraSue and has been on nonstop repeat for days now. This song is love. Rockopera at it's ever lovin' best.

3) The Kooks :: Sway
This song is sex. Seriously.

4) Framing Hanley :: Hear Me Now (acoustic version)
There are no words for how much I love acoustic and this song is no exception. It's a must listen.

5) 10 Years :: The Autumn Effect (Piano version)
I have no words...just a pretty piano song.

6) Scary Kids Scaring Kids :: Watch Me Bleed
another gorgeous piano song

6) Selena Cross :: Silence
Another piano song...are we seeing a theme here? Good, because piano is love.

7) Marie Digby :: What I've Done
Yes, another piano song - DEAL. It's a great cover of Linkin Park's song.

8) Red :: Already Over
A good rock song with great lyrics

9) Endless Blue :: Stranger
The lyrics are incredible - I love them:
But the stranger in the mirror
I don't know her, I fear her, I cry for her everynight
When I see her with you
Broken shards of glass in my fingers
Bleed in protest, in sadness, I suffer not knowing the way
To hate her, and I do

10) James Blunt :: Fall At Your Feet (acoustic)
God, I love this song. There are no words.

Well, I hope y'all get some good music out of this.

Current Mood pensive
Current Music Ben Folds - The Luckiest
01 June 2008 @ 08:31 pm
Playlist to my Life
So American Idol winner, David Cook, had to do an interview thingy with Nightline and it was his playlist... he talked about songs that were influential to him throughout his life. I thought it would be interesting to do the same.

I have to say that I'm kinda behind on this music thing... My parents never really listened to music. My mom is not a fan of excess noise, lol. My parents were older when they adopted me, so they were kinda out of the whole popular music thing. Also, we didn't have cable, so I was locked out of the good MTV years where they actually played music.

That being said, the first music I really remember enjoying and listening to, and coincidentally the first tape I ever bought was Eric Carmen. Specifically, I loved "Make Me Lose Control" and "All By Myself." I was 12-13-ish and my dad used to drive me to middle school and we would listen to it on the way because he didn't mind music playing.

Fast forward a couple of years and I went to a summer camp and the theme for me was All for One's song "I Swear." That song still brings back memories and can make me cry.

The next year was the summer of a couple of great rock songs... "Lightening Crashes" by Live and "Runaway Train" by Soul Asylum.

The year 2000 was when I really started getting into music. I saw the movie "Here on Earth" and heard a song by Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey called "Where You Are." We had just recently gotten internet at home and I looked the song up and found Jessica's official website. I joined her message board and met some really great people that I'm still friends with today, 8 years later. I am SO over Jessica Simpson now, thank goodness. I got introduced to Nsync and that started a new "chapter" of my life. The year 2000 was when I graduated high school and a song came out that was just amazing at the time - "Graduation (Friends Forever)" by Vitamin C. It was such an iconic song for us. And then summer of 2000 before I went to college, my family went to Washington DC and we drove. I slept the entire two days it took us to drive and the whole time, I listened to Matchbox 20's Mad Season album and specifically, "Bed of Lies." Still to this day I love that song.

Also during this time, I had a love for Creed and "With Arms Wide Open." Some things happened that remind me of that song and I will never be able to fully enjoy it anymore, sadly. It really was a great song.

My unfortunate Nsync obsession ended but it was closely followed by another unfortunate obsession, Good Charlotte. I was in college now and LauraSue and I used to watch All Things Rock on MTV because Benji and Joel hosted. Through that, I was introduced to many great bands and I've been kinda in the same vein ever since... I still listen to rock, punk, emo, etc. What's different though is that I can appreciate music for what it is and not what genre it falls into.

I'm obsessive when it comes to music - If a song touches me, I will listen to it over and over and over, non-stop, until I am sick of it and then it will be months, years even before I can listen to it again. Right now, my current obsession is David Cook's Analog Heart album, in particular the song "The Truth."

It's kind of neat to see how my music has grown up with me. I always knew something was missing from my life and when I found music and in the glory days of Napster, I downloaded about 4000 songs in any and every genre imaginable, a part of me was completed. It sounds corny, I know, but it's also the truth. I have met a best friend through music, music has kept me from slitting my wrists a few times - it gives me something to hold on to, to look forward to.

Current Music Bitter Song - by Butterfly Boucher
27 May 2008 @ 11:27 pm
My cousin's wife's funeral/memorial service is on Thursday afternoon. My work is being surprisingly understanding and letting me take a half day off from work. I'm not sure if I'm gonna have enough time to get to Atlanta, but we're sure gonna bust our butts trying to get there. My mom doesn't want to go - she never really liked Christopher (my cousin) because of some things that happened in the past.... plus she doesn't deal well with funerals, so she's not going. My sister has final exams to give, so of course she cant' take off. My dad wasn't going to go but I talked him into it - I think our family needs to be represented in some capacity... I would have a hard time if my spouse passed away and Christopher wasn't there at the funeral... we used to be so close, all the cousins and my sister and I and I miss those times a lot. I think it's necessary for me to be there - I don't think I could not go and still be okay with myself. 

Current Mood drained
Current Music How Would You Know - Big Wreck
26 May 2008 @ 03:39 pm
So we got some pretty bad news today - my cousin's wife had a stroke and is brain dead. She She had had some health problems in the past and she decided that she wanted to harvest her organs. Until they can contact the donor recipients they are keeping her on life support so it could be a couple of days before she actually dies. I feel soooo heartbroken for my cousin. They have the most adorable little girl named Reese and I can't imagine how they are going to tell her. My mom talked to my cousin's older brother and he was just sobbing on the phone. It's such a sad situation. We're not going up there because we'd just get in the way at this point - I want to go to the memorial service when they finally turn off the machines and harvest her organs. I am sooo sad for them.

Current Mood sad
04 May 2008 @ 08:54 pm
I got out of the house today, which is a good step. My aunt was here and so my mom, my aunt and I went to my aunt's oldest son's house. He and his wife have two of the cutest kids ever and that was fun playing with them. We ate lunch there and then came back. We then went shopping... I think this was the first time since CHRISTMAS I had been to the mall. I got a cute skirt and shirt - I can wear it to work or to Kelly's wedding next week. It's very summery, which is good.. I needed some summer clothes. I also got a yellow, black and white shirt - apparent yellow is like THE color this summer. And I got a purse and two pair of flip flops. Everything was on sale... go me!

I watched 27 Dresses this weekend - so cute! I love Katherine Heigl... she's really cute. I also watched Atonement, which LauraSue had warned me was the worst thing ever! - but I actually really really enjoyed it. We discussed it tonight and she read the book which is apparently a lot different from the movie, hence her hatred. Still, I'm glad I watched it.

I've been playing the piano lately which is always good.. I need to have stuff ready for my cousin's wedding. I have a few pieces that are almost ready but I need some more. I downloaded "My Immortal" but I didn't like how it sounded without the vocal melody. I need to find some more classical pieces I guess. I'm already doing Fantasy Impromptu and Fur Elise (the full version). I really wish piano playing came easier to me.. I wish I could actually HEAR music.

I gotta go to work tomorrow :( I so don't want to! The upside to my job is that I have been able to save 3 people from having their house foreclosed on. There was only 1 client so far that I couldn't save their house. I was disappointed in that one, but it was 8-9 months behind and at that point, unless you have a lot saved and can put down a good amount, it's almost impossible to work out arrangements.

29 April 2008 @ 03:52 pm
Far Beyond Frail - Screaming on the Inside

Walking alone
I never knew that summer could feel so cold
Does anyone notice me at all?
I never knew that I’d feel so small on my own
I’m screaming on the inside
‘cause it’s the only place I’m heard

If anybody sees me, could you look me in the eye?
I need someone to touch me so I know that I’m alive
This world’s too big to be outside looking in

Curled up in coffee shop
writing about things that break my heart
Like seeing two lovers meet
and how they can speak without saying a thing
While I’m screaming on the inside
I’m just dying to be heard

I go outside and just breathe in
The silence is so loud I think it’s gonna win
I’m tired of thinking about life
I only want someone to be here when I turn out the lights
I’m screaming on the inside
Tonight I might just scream myself to sleep

Will someone pull me in?

29 April 2008 @ 12:26 pm
I have an appointment with a therapist on Monday May 12th at 9am. I should be able to finish and get to work by 10:30... at least I hope so!

Current Mood calm
27 April 2008 @ 11:46 pm
So I made that first all important step - I sent my info to a counseling center. Hopefully I'll get a call tomorrow and I can start the process. They have an office in WR and maybe I can do the sessions on my lunch break... that would totally be the best case scenario. I really don't think my parents will have a problem with me seeing someone, but I don't think they will understand it. So if I can avoid telling them, that really would be best.

Current Mood accomplished
Current Music Prelude 12/21 - AFI
25 April 2008 @ 09:10 pm
So sometimes I really think that lyrics of a song can come into your life at just the right time. I had heard this song a few weeks ago but didn't really pay much attention, other than the fact that it's a really mellow, pretty song. I started listening to it more the last week or so and I am amazed at how well the lyrics fit my life right now.

Just In Case by Axium

Life's not what it used to be
I struggle to survive
Always short of everything
A failure in your eyes

To understand what's in my head
Takes energy for two
And all we know and all we show
what I really think of you

So hold me to the light
And watch me fade to white
and burn away

Souls are on your hand
too late to make amends
you've chosen your way

Heard it all before
I won't preach it anymore
that life's not made to waste

so do what you can to be
to be who you want to be
just in case

That's not the whole song - but how fitting is that? I've been talking about needing a change in my life and there it is all in a song.

"do what you can to be who you want to be" I guess just really sums up the problem. I have a vague idea of who I want to be but no clue on how to get there or even if that is who I want to be. If only it were that simple, to just wake up and decide that day that you're going to change your life and become the person you want to be.

LauraSue has suggested that I go see someone - a therapist or something. I did that in college and it really did help. I really think I'm able to live at home with my parents and be relatively okay with them because of my therapy. I guess I need to go again and either learn to be okay with who I am and the life I'm leading, or get the confidence to change. So it's not a bad idea and one that I'm giving some real serious thought to. Something has to change. I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and unhappiness. I guess this is depression, eh?

Current Mood thoughtful
Current Music Just In Case - Axium
21 April 2008 @ 01:11 am
Wow I haven't come on to my own journal since my kitty died and those pictures made me cry. I miss him.

I need to make a change. A life change. I am not happy with myself - my weight, my job, my life in general. But how does one go about making a change? There are some things that I don't want to give up, but I feel that if I make a change, I have to give up those things. How do people get strong enough to make major life changes? I dont think I'm strong enough. I need to do something though... my life can't continue as it is. I am lonely - I have no friends in my area, no one to hang out with or be a regular 26 year old with. All of my high school friends just about are married or about to be married and I want that so bad. Realistically though, I can't just sit at my computer all the time and expect that people will come to me - I have to go to them. I know this but still I do nothing about it. I don't know WHAT to do about it, but I don't even try. I can't expect my life to change if I don't do something about it, right? I can't remember the last time I have stepped into a grocery store or WalMart... that's sad isn't it? I'm a very shy person so going up to someone in a coffee shop or something is totally not something I can do. To get over shyness, you need confidence and I am very lacking in that department. I've tried visiting churches but there are no people my age and when there are, the group is already such a clique that it's hard to break in and I always felt like an outsider. I hate that feeling and it made me dread going. I just don't know what to do. The job situation is not getting any better - worse, if that's possible. I have gotten to the point where I've learned all I can learn, I have moved up as far as I'm gonna go - so what is the point of being there anymore? I don't want to be making less than $30k for my entire life... I'm better than that. Funny how I have confidence about that but not other things. I am a good employee - I go the extra mile and I work hard, especially when it's something I believe in. I really do believe that I am helping change people's lives and hopefully changing them for the better - that is what I love about my job. I love that after a counseling session, someone that I've been able to help, will stand up with tears in their eyes and give me a hug and tell me that they feel like a weight has been lifted from their shoulders. It makes me feel so good that I can be that person for someone. I want to keep doing that - just not where I am. Office politics is making it hard to focus on the good aspects of my job and instead is making me hate the job that I do... I want a job that I look forward to going to everyday - a job that I don't have to feel like I'm walking on eggshells, waiting for the next bomb to drop. In my area though, there are no jobs other than receptionist, etc and I don't want to take just any job. I did that with this one and I'm living to regret it. I want to find a job that I can love and that I can be happy at for the next 30 odd years. I want a career. I feel like I have a job, but not a career. But how does one get a career? I could go back to school and get my Masters in School Counseling - that would be a career.. but my grades are shit and I couldn't get in to a reputable Master's level program. Plus the schools that offer that are so far away commuting is out of the question. And without a job there, I wouldn't be able to relocate. I don't want to be a regular teacher - I don't think I'd be good at that. I don't know what I want to do - I just know it's not what I'm doing now. I feel like I'm at the same crossroads I was when I graduated college - I wanted a boyfriend/husband, a job I love, and a future to look forward to. My current future is looking pretty bleak - staying in a job I hate, boyfriend/husband-less, and watching my friends and family pair up and live the life I want. When do I get to be happy? Why is it so easy for other people, but I feel like I have to scratch tooth and nail to be happy? It's not fair. I've already had so many disappointments, so much hurt in my life - when can that end? When is it my turn to be happy and to love myself?

Current Mood moody
Current Music Goodbye - Secondhand Serenade
08 August 2007 @ 08:11 pm
Rest In Peace, Mozart

Mozart died today at 11am. *weep*

02 August 2007 @ 06:49 pm
I think my kitty cat has oral cancer :( We took him to the vet because he had a place on the side of his mouth and it didn't get better. The vet found another place in the roof of his mouth. If it is oral cancer, the prognosis is not good. My mom wants to put him down if it is cancer because he won't be able to eat. We'll find out for sure next Tuesday.

I'm so heartbroken. I have been such a basket case since Tuesday and I really really hope he is okay.

08 June 2007 @ 10:09 pm
well it's been a while, eh?

this has been a particularly nasty week.

1) Sunday, my aunt got into a bad car wreck on her way to see us. We spend the day in the hospital with her. Thankfully she's okay. Some idiot caused a 6 car pile up on the interstate. The car is totaled, but my aunt will be okay. It was scary though.

2) Work was really busy - which isn't so bad... I'd rather be busy, than not busy, but it meant I had a lot of stress about finishing my files and stuff.

3) I found out that my best friend's mother has breast cancer. She is like a second mom to me so this is devastating news. I am so sad for her. And for my best friend because she can't be there for her mom right now because of school. It's just such a sad situation.

4) My dad has decided to stop taking his diabetes medication and is going through some horrible depression. He absolutely refuses to take his meds though. I don't understand it. I worry about him so much.

5) Today at work was just awful. I got in trouble for talking to a co-worker... and we were discussing WORK! can you believe it? She had some questions about a client I had seen and while answering her, I got a stern message from my supervisor to get back to work. I *was* working - I was addressing envelopes while answering my co-workers questions. yes, I am that talented that I can do two things at once. However, my supervisor must not consider that "work" because she said I wasn't working, that I was chatting and I need to stop. Erm, okay. So no more talking at work. Wonderful.

6) Another co-worker called me tonight and told me that she overheard my boss talking to my old supervisor and was saying that my current supervisor was complaining about me - about how I never do any work and how I'm playing games all the time. It really is quite incredible how petty these people are. I dont play games. In fact, I saw twice as many clients this week than she did. When do I have time to play games? I've gotten about 2 hours of overtime this week (which doesn't sound like a lot, but when you don't get paid for it, it's a lot).

Plus - have I mentioned that I got promoted at work - I am not a counselor. However, they are still paying me the same thing I was getting paid before the promotion. I am getting about half as less as the other counselors. Tell me how that is fair... My boss promised me on three different occassions that I would be getting the promotion and the raise to go along with it, but he keeps putting off the raise. I personally think that they should be kissing my ass for staying there and doing the job without getting the monetary benefits of it. Not many people would put up with that.

So all in all, life pretty much sucks at this point.

Current Mood depressed
Current Music Sick Puppies - All the Same
03 November 2006 @ 12:30 am
BoringCollapse )

Current Mood bored
03 November 2006 @ 12:08 am
so. next episdoe looks like it's going to just rip me apart.

and what is the black misty stuff?? and as for Juliette, I dont trust the bitch. She's up to something. something not good.

I had a brief thought of boycotting the show because of the upcoming break until FREAKIN' Feb... but *hangs head* I'm an addict.

damn you, LauraSue!

Current Mood anxious
Current Music Call Me When You're Sober - Evanescence (hate this song)
02 November 2006 @ 01:16 am
What American accent do you have?
Your Result: The South

That's a Southern accent you've got there. You may love it, you may hate it, you may swear you don't have it, but whatever the case, we can hear it.

The Midland
The Inland North
The West
The Northeast
North Central
What American accent do you have?

Well what the hell do they know?! *arms crossed*

Current Mood infuriated